WTF Texas!!!??? Why Philly Really Really Hates Dallas!
So here in Philly, we have been busy on talk radio discussing the loss of Malcolm Jenkins and debating exactly how many interceptions Darius Slay will have. It’s your typical springtime angst for Eagles fans.
In other news, we have paused for a hot nanosecond to a do a COVID-19 shutdown. It might last two more weeks, maybe 3 — 4 more weeks — but no one is too panicked as long as the ACME still has ice cream and diet coke. Besides, with dozens of world class hospitals, we all know nurses and doctors who desperately need our support and help — so we actually understand why it’s so important to stay home and flatten the curve.
Meanwhile down in Texas, the Lt. Governor is taking to the airwaves, pounding the table that it is time to “get back to living”.
“No one reached out to me and said, ‘as a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’” said Patrick, who has six grandchildren. “And if that’s the exchange, I’m all in. That doesn’t make me noble or brave or anything like that. I just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country like me.”
“I want to live smart and see through this, but I don’t want the whole country to be sacrificed,” he said.
Yo Texas — Pu-lease spare us the fucking drama! Seriously Lt. Gov Dan Patrick, if you and your fellow GOP Texans and your FOX NEWS fanboys are feeling so brave and patriotic, you can come here to Philly and lick my COVID-19 infected toilet bowl.
Instead of self-righteously calling on seniors to make the ultimate sacrifice, please get your pompous self out of the clouds and off of FOX NEWS and hurry the fuck up and start converting that giant annoying stadium of yours into the biggest COVID-19 care triage care center in the nation.
Meanwhile —a shout out to all the coffee drinking hipster coders up in Austin —please get your shit together and build the coolest hippest mobile COVID-19 testing and tracking app the world has ever seen. Like RIGHT NOW! Mark Cuban @mcuban — where are you??? It’s time to Shark Tank the Shit out of this pandemic response!
And to all the other Cowboy fans who are apparently still driving around down there like nothing is wrong — and like it is your patriotic duty to infect as many people as possible — it’s time to put on your big boy cowboy boots and stay the fuck home.
Your country will thank you, your neighbors will thank you, and for the LUUUV OF GOD — your grandparents will thank you.
Listen Texas, this might be the only time Philly is really cheering for you, so please get on the field NOW and get to work to stomp this virus!!!
Then hopefully we can see you this fall at the Linc and show your Cowboys some real Philly hospitality.
XOXO
